Tao Lin
The Existentially Fucked Megamouth Shark
The existentially fucked megamouth shark is fourteen-feet long
and weighs 1100 pounds and is very clean and healthy, because of its
raw organic vegan diet, and often receives compliments from other
megamouth sharks about its beautiful dark-gray skin and "healthy
glow," but spends almost all its time alone in the Indian Ocean
floating in place at 14,000 feet below sea level with a concerned
facial expression thinking about various philosophical issues such
as the relationship between "the arbitrary nature of the universe"
and "consciousness means we must choose"; the function in terms of
morality of writing, art, or music that is without rhetoric; and the
question of whether to focus one’s attention and meaning in life on
one megamouth shark, on a few megamouth sharks, on one’s own
morality, or on all megamouth sharks.
"How do I actualize in concrete reality my simultaneous knowledge
of an existential view of the universe and a moral view of the
universe?" thinks the megamouth shark. "Is the simultaneous
actualization of both views manifest in sarcasm? But isn’t sarcasm
metaphysical, and therefore not an actualization, in concrete
reality, but another philosophy, or something?" The existentially
fucked megamouth shark sometimes receives emails that say things
like, "Look at Dick Cheney's apparent willingness to suspend his
anti-gay family agenda for the sake of his own megamouth shark and
her pregnancy," or, "Taking an uncompromising moral stand in the
Indian Ocean first and foremost subjects you to a higher level of
scrutiny." Sometimes the megamouth shark who is existentially fucked
receives very giant emails in which he is criticized from an
existential point of view, a view which can not be argued against,
the megamouth shark vaguely knows, even with facts, thinks the
megamouth shark uncertainly, "because to criticize a fellow
megamouth shark from an existential point of view is to censor or
question a megamouth shark’s very existence or to censor or question
a fact's very existence." After thinking something like that the
megamouth shark feels very confused and alone and like there is
nothing left to think, or do, in the universe, and swims carelessly
and headbutts a blue whale or sometimes a small jellyfish or
yellowfin tuna, making the blue whale stop swimming for a moment,
the jellyfish turn into a clear to clear-white paste, and the tuna
spin through the water like a ninja star for thirty feet before
swimming away quickly in an arbitrary direction.
One day the megamouth shark is bored and decides to get USDA organic
certification. The existentially fucked megamouth shark's blood is
extracted and the megamouth shark is certified organic. It costs
fifty dollars. A "USDA-certified organic" sticker comes in the mail
five days later with a handwritten letter. The letter says the
megamouth shark is actually a rare species of hamster-megamouth
shark hybrid and shares only 98% of the genes of a normal megamouth
shark. The other genes are from a subspecies of "dwarf hamster"
called "Campbell's Dwarf Hamster." The megamouth stares at the
letter until it blurs and then weakly and uninterestedly and a
little automatically, in a monotone, begans to think that this
explains why it often feels alone in the company of other megamouth
sharks, why it often feels like the only megamouth shark alive, and
why it often feels only a vague sense of responsibility and guilt
and insatiability and boredom and meaninglessness when in
relationships with other megamouth sharks, romantic or otherwise,
"though," the megamouth shark thinks very weakly, in a sarcastic and
lecturing tone, already beginning to feel other kinds of despair
related to unresolved philosophical issues that it can sense, but
not articulate, are also related to its current thoughts, "when not
in the company of other megamouth sharks I almost always feel those
same kinds of feelings or else have urges to want to feel those
kinds of feelings."
Tao Lin is the author of a novel, EEEEE EEE EEEE,
and a story-collection, BED, which were published
simultaneously by Melville House in May, 2007 in the first two-book
story-collection/novel debut since Ann Beattie in 1976. Tao is also
the author of a poetry collection, YOU ARE A LITTLE BIT HAPPIER
THAN I AM. His web site is called READER OF DEPRESSING BOOKS. |