The Mother Test
Do you know the name of my English teacher? My best event in high school swim meets? My best time? My favorite color? Do you even know my best friend’s last name? What’s my favorite band? Which teacher gave me a C on my last report card? How about the guidance counselor–the one you cancelled on twice? What are the restrictions for parking at school? For kids? For parents? Do you know they are different for parents who are called because of an emergency?
How are you doing so far?
How often do I talk with Dad? Does he send me money? What do I spend the money on that you don’t know he sends me? Am I like my Dad in some ways? Any one particular way? Am I like you? Is he going to marry her? Is he going to move to California or Thailand? Are you going to marry the man who calls me “honey” because he can’t remember if my name is Carol or Carla? Is he ever going to take us both out to dinner? Is the sex good? Is he better than the last two guys? Why don’t you read my diary when I leave it out? What is the color of my Iphone? What is my code? Do I even have a code? How often do I text my boyfriend? What is my boyfriend’s name? Is he in high school or college? Does he smoke? Am I on the pill? Do you care if the sex is good for me? If I am having sex? Do I smell like marijuana or bourbon when I come home late and you are already asleep? Are you asleep? Is it easier to pretend to be asleep than it is to confront me?
Should I go on?
Should you worry about me? Should you go through my drawers? What posters did I hang on my walls? How many screen names do I have? Am I on Comcast, AOL or Gmail, or all three? Do you wonder what I post on Facebook? Do I have more than one tattoo? What character am I in the video game I play? Do you know the name of the game? What grade would you give yourself – that’s the cutsie question lazy teachers ask—if you were to give yourself a grade? Do you know the grade I would give you?