What first gave us the idea is that Gwen was a lead in the school play, and her character would only love men named Ernest. So we decided that for the next calendar year, Gwen would only date Alexanders (Alex counted), and I would only date Lukes. I decided on Luke because the two guys I was most interested in then were Callum and Luke, and Callum was such a niche name—what would I do when we inevitably petered out? Plus, Gwen agreed that Luke-adjacent names counted (Lucas, Luca), so there was a stockpile to choose from. In our senior class alone, there were six Lukes.
It was kind of a joke, but we stuck to it. The truth is, with dating apps like Hinge and Bumble in the mix, it was a relief to shrink the pool. Since I was a little kid, I’d get overwhelmed by too many options. When I was six, I started crying at Cheesecake Factory, after the waiter handed me their giant menu. My dad loves to tell that story.
There’s not much to say about most of the Lukes. The original Luke, Luke Stuyvesant, was the hottest—well, no surprise, that’s why I’d picked the name. But we only went out for three weeks. We had nothing to say to each other, aside from discussing this one TV show we both liked. But you can only have so many conversations about The Bear.
Then there was a series of Lukes.
The one worth mentioning is Luke Ross, the fourth Luke. I loved his mom. Melissa. She was a great baker, and she made these insane cookies—oatmeal, but instead of raisins, with mini M&Ms. Once it got established that I loved them, she called them “Olivia’s cookies.” She made Luke pack them to give me at lunch.
“You like my mom more than me,” Luke said.
Melissa thought I was funny. She could tell I didn’t like their dog.
I said, “I guess I’m just more of a cat person.”
Melissa said, “Tell me one good thing about cats.” But in a genuinely interested way, not sarcastically.
I said, “I like how they are taller when they sit than when they stand.” Melissa laughed and said I was an intriguing person.
Luke Ross was a nice guy, but a terrible lover. Gwen and I call it “porn contagion.” You can always tell when a guy watches too much porn, because they fuck like jackhammers. I felt like the veal my mother pounds with a mallet when she makes scaloppini, so I broke up with him. Gwen had the same issue with her third Alex. But her latest, Alexander Kramer, knew what he was doing. “Fourth one’s the charm,” Gwen said.
A few weeks later I ran into Melissa at Walgreen’s. I was buying tampons, embarrassing. She hugged me and said “Olivia! We never see you around anymore!”
But it’s not like I could tell her that her son has been ruined by porn.
Maybe a week after, I was dating Luca Montez by then, Luke Ross said, “My mom says she ran into you.” Then he said, “Hey, whatever happened with us?” Which was brave, I have to give him credit. I guess it compelled me to be brave back, because I actually told him. Well, I didn’t say “jackhammer,” but I told him our chemistry was off, and then when he asked how so, I said I liked sex to be more gentle.
Luke looked stricken, which made me feel terrible. He said, “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” I said.
“So you broke up with me instead?”
I had to laugh. “I guess I didn’t want to see your feelings get hurt,” I said.
It’s so easy to ghost, to block. No one ever just says what they mean.
“Well, I’m glad you told me,” Luke said.
I thought about that play Gwen was in, the one that first gave us the idea to only date boys named Alex and Luke. Gwen’s character wants to marry a man named Ernest because she believes someone named “Ernest” will be earnest: sincere, authentic. The irony is that the guy Gwen’s character likes is a liar, going by a fake name. But Luke Ross genuinely was genuine. “The real article,” my Gram would call him.
After that day, we became pretty good friends. I worried at first his new girlfriend would be jealous, and maybe Kaylie was for a second, but she quickly understood I wasn’t a threat. Now sometimes when Gwen’s busy, I eat lunch with them.
Overall, I wouldn’t say that the year of Lukes has been a raging success. Case in point, Luca Montez is a misogynist. I’d break up with him now, if it weren’t so close to prom. But I’m glad I got to know Luke Ross. His mother even got me an eighteenth birthday present: a candle that smells like honey, shaped like a sitting cat.
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Kim Magowan is the author of the short story collection Don’t Take This the Wrong Way (2025), co-authored with Michelle Ross, published by EastOver Press; the short story collection How Far I’ve Come (2022), published by Gold Wake Press; the novel The Light Source (2019), published by 7.13 Books; and the short story collection Undoing (2018), which won the 2017 Moon City Press Fiction Award. Her fiction has been published in Colorado Review, The Gettysburg Review, Smokelong Quarterly, Wigleaf, and many other journals. Her stories have been selected for Best Small Fictions and Wigleaf’s Top 50. She is the Editor-in-Chief and Fiction Editor of Pithead Chapel. www.kimmagowan.com